My Reflection on Talking to our Children about 9/11

Our family visited the 9/11 Memorial about four years ago. Our four children’s ages ranged from one to six years old.  Because they were so young, I didn’t really prepare a talk with them beforehand about where we were going.  Well, I should’ve known that my precocious oldest child would ask many piercing and intelligent questions in attempt to understand why we made them go to this place – a park with no playground.  In addition to the interrogation, something else caught me off guard: it felt wrong to take photos with us in them…especially posing and smiling.  There was a poetic juxtaposition of the scene though that I’ve captured in my mind instead of photo: our happy family, on a beautiful day, standing on hallowed ground where lives were lost…because they were free. Those people were targeted because they once lived the life that we are currently enjoying. Because THEY were American. Because the attack of thousands would hit deep into the heart of millions. Because WE are American, and attack on one is an attack on all.  

For our family, and many other military families, these lessons and stories come full circle when we’re hit with the hardballs. “THIS, my dears, is why your daddy, mommy, aunts, uncles, and grandfathers have served in the military.  Our military protects and fights against the people who do these evil things.” When I’ve had to fight back tears to explain why Daddy leaves us for months at a time, they actually had more understanding than I wish they would. As much as I’d like to keep them all in a huge utopian bubble, it’s not good for them, and I’ve discovered…they NOTICE things. 

The memorial is beautiful and we happened to be there on a gorgeous day, with the sunrays casting shadows of dancing leaves on the tree-lined walkways. The kids enjoyed seeing the water display, and we preemptively yelled at them not to climb up and play in it. They didn’t understand why, or the solemnity of the location. At all. But then, they noticed the engraved names. That was the subject of the first question, and the hardest to answer. The names represented human beings. Americans. People with parents, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, children, and friends. It hurt to answer my daughter, but I told her the truth, as honestly and simply as I could. I explained that those were all people who lost their lives in a terrible incident, caused by very bad people. Once again, I was wrong; this time in thinking my overly simplistic and elementary answer would suffice. It actually ended up opening about ten cans of worms, and a whole lesson in theology and our faith in Christ.  Not all the questions came at the moment…because, “squirrel!” and thirst, and boredom, and the popcorn-like thoughts and actions that occur in young kids. 

Sometimes, those questions still come. It may have more to do with our strange and unique life situation, though. I mean, we’ve lived in Japan and now Italy. We’ve visited my sister in Korea and Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. We’ve traveled to Vietnam, NYC, and D.C.. Just think of the history in those places…it’s like we’re on a War Tour.  They’ve asked the question, “Why do American military people live in other countries?” and received a history lesson afterward. They’re getting quite the education through life experience.

Because of our travels, our military service, and our conversations, it is my sincere hope that they grow up with a deeper understanding of history, the effects of war, the patriotism that Americans (and our family) share, an empathy that extends to people who are not exactly like them, and finally, gratitude – for the freedoms we enjoy every single day.

I feel like it is also incredibly important for children to understand the reality of evil: that it always has, and always will exist on Earth.  I’ve explained this honestly to my children as well…not to instill fear (which it hasn’t), but in context of our faith, and in awareness. I never make statements like that without following up with the fact that Mommy and Daddy take our jobs of protecting them very seriously, that our God is good and more powerful than evil, and that our lives here are temporary. 

Maybe to some, these truths are too cruel to share with young minds, and maybe it is, for your children. I don’t believe it’s prudent for parents to discuss heavy topics for kids who aren’t ready to hear them. What I’m suggesting, however, is that when heavy topics come up, we can meet our children with the same level of maturity in the questions they ask.  And it doesn’t mean that we have to go into any gruesome details. I’ve just found, in practice, with my own children, is that they can handle it, and it doesn’t scar them. Instead, I think they’re quite wiser.

So, if you ever find yourself with your children (even young) in a place like Hiroshima, the 9/11 Memorial, or any other hallowed ground (or if the topics comes up in other ways), my personal advice is to 1) be more prepared than me to address questions, and 2) consider giving your children the gift of knowledge, perspective, empathy, and gratitude with your honest answers and explanations…if you think they’re ready to hear them.